October 2010...
Could this really be happening? Am I truly about to embark on a second round of experiencing my adolescence and young adulthood as I watch and try to guide my pre-teen daughter through the next 6 years of school? Is this some cosmic punishment or simply another bold testament to the realization that due to the lack of true mothering I received in my life, I am once again finding myself extremely ill-equipped to deal with middle school issues?
It seems so unfair to have reality thrust upon you at such important moments! How awful to realize that you have no clue how to be a mother while holding your perfect newborn in your trembling hands. Admittedly, there is no tell-all step by step handbook to being a parent but I imagine that many of the skills required are normally passed down through example and a bit of hands-on mentoring from one generation to the next.
Ah, not so in my case. This is not meant to be a statement of blame or negative statement about my mother, she did her best with what she had. Honestly, I have actually tried to conjure memories of my own rearing that would help guide me in raising my own children. I come up blank just about every time. Nothing. So, where does that leave me? Making it up as I go, that's where!
You've heard the expression, "it takes a village to raise a child", well that doesn't work so well when you keep moving from village to village because your husband is in the military. Basically, it is a village of one...me...trying to hold it all together.
My kids are great! Truly great! Smart, funny, strong, healthy, eager to please, polite and respectful. You know, save the normal sibling stuff and boundary testing mostly by the pre-teen oldest child who happens to be a girl. A strong-willed, type-A, dramatic, pre-hormonal, GIRL! A girl I love dearly, a girl I have been terrified to "mess up" since the day she was born. So, here we are almost 12 years later and all my doubts and fears are magnified by her pre-pubescence and flair for the dramatic. How do we make it through this? Is this normal? I honestly have no memories of large chunks of time from my childhood, I have nothing to reach back and draw from.
My reactions to my daughter's plight at this juncture are frustrating to me and must be completely mind-boggling to her! She is so emotional, crying at nothing at any given time, stomachaches (nerves? I don't know) and all I can think is, 'please, please make this go away!' All I have for her is a mantra of 'this is normal, you'll feel better soon, eat right and drink lots of water'. Who am I , her P.E. coach? Seriously? I can't do better than that?
Life is just a mess, isn't it? How do we make ends meet? Financially, emotionally, personally, professionally? Why bother asking the age old question, 'where do you want to be in 10 years'? Is anyone ever remotely correct? How do we get so off-track? For that matter, which one is off track, the imagined future or the reality we find ourselves in after those 10 years?
Is this what I pictured? Oh, certainly not, but would I change it? Oh, certainly not! Maybe a tweak here or there...
So, what now? How do I cross the bridge to become the mother I want to be and my children need and deserve? How do I accomplish those little tweaks without throwing my children's universe into a complete tailspin? How do I meet everyone's needs, including my own, without becoming bitter and resentful?
Yeah, I don't know either...
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